if it's meant to be,it will be..

It wasn't as easy as one,two,three

The truth is that, you're just a stranger to me

 Still I don't know what you did to me

I guess it started with that snobbish look you gave to me

And now little by little I get to know you

And now I don't know

But I think I'm afraid to lose you

I know for a fact that we don't have anything yet

But one thing's for sure,you're someone I don't want to forget

But what can I do if you need to go

When I know I can't stop you from doing so

Though I understand  why you have to leave

It breaks my heart to finally see you leave

For when you go,my tears will flow

And my smile will start to fade I know

Though it's hard, I'll try to hide

All the hurts that I'm feeling inside

So little time to spend with you

So many things I wanna do

But I guess this is how our story goes

I know at some point I'll have to let you go

As difficult as it can be,you had me,I had you,but not really

I know this time there's nothing but goodbye

And all I can do is to fake a smile

But here in my heart I pray so hard

That one day we don't have to be apart...

You are my angel and my devil too,

But now that you're leaving what can I do?

It feels like hell to be away from you

And if ill be granted, i just want,one last moment with you...

For now my angel,my devil, I'll let you go your way

And I'll be hoping that one day we would still meet halfway..

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE,IT WILL BE.. - dempong

- a poem for a lost friend

LOVE?seriously?

December 29,2010

Just an ordinary day in my oh so ordinary life..

I'm just wondering what else I can do to kill this boredom I have..

and so..I'm writing a blog..

I'm just thinking right now on what particular topic should I dwell on..hmmm..let it be LOVE!

OK..i really don't know if I'm the right person to write about this topic..but I'm going to give it a try...

What is LOVE?

The truth of the matter is..I DON'T KNOW! of course i can define it..but trying to think about it..do i really know what love is?do YOU really know what love is?

Well as for me, LOVE is difficult..it has given me the best and the worst of my life..

Yah right.talk about HEARTACHES,PAINS and HURTS..I've been there..a couple of times if I may say..

and the feeling...oh it SUCKS..

But ofcourse it has also given me "some" good times,i felt the kilig,the happiness,the unexplainable feeling of excitement when you're about to see the person you like..the feeling is just..well..happy..but LOVE so far never gave me a happy ending...aha! yah..and i wonder..why?! I've been so good, I know for sure that I know how to love..but why no happy ending?

well the best answer answer maybe is.. IT'S NOT YET TIME..I seriously want to believe on this..but sometimes I just can't...they say the RIGHT ONE will come..is there such thing as THE RIGHT ONE?because for me..I BELIEVE that you make yourself RIGHT for the person that you choose to love :)

Some issues about LOVE:

1. How will I know if he is " THE ONE"?

I've asked a couple of people about this issue, and all their answers would end up "you just feel it, it's like magic"..well they might be right, you can never question the feelings of a person who is inlove..they are the ONLY persons who can describe what they feel..well for me, I guess I have to agree with them,YOU just FEEL it..for some reasons you just can't explain the feeling right..but of course when we are inlove,we, most of the time get confused..we tend to ask ourselves and sometimes others about what we feel, but i guess ,LOVE is a RISK..if you get to love a person and it ends up that HE is really the one for you, then LUCKY YOU! BUT..if it ends up the other way around maybe he is not yet the one rightfully meant for you..let's just say,he's just a part of the story you have to deal with and forget sooner or later..you just have to continue the search :)

2. Is it TRUE LOVE?

I was searching over the net when I found this quote:

"True love is finding someone who makes you want to be better, and believes you are more wonderful than you yourself believes"

I was amazed by the content of this quote,because for me this is what TRUE love is. Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, it's supposed to bring out the best in you,it's not supposed to destroy you..Finding TRUE love I guess will make you want to become a better person, not only for the person you love but most specially for YOURSELF. 


One more thing, I believe that it is true love when the well-being of the loved one comes first before yours..because love is not SELFISH, love is self sacrificing and giving..this is how true love is for me..


3. Is it WORTH THE FIGHT?


Most of us,I assume experienced heartaches,we were all once placed into situations where we have to choose between holding on and letting go..and as easy as we can say it, it's one of the most difficult things to decide on..


i'll have a more personal attack on this one..


 well in my case, i have to say that I am a fighter when it comes to love,I've been into a lot of complicated stuffs when it comes to it,but if I know and feel that the love is worth the fight, then am very willing to fight for it,


do i get hurt? YES! DEFINITELY! 
is it difficult?! ABSOLUTELY!


but why do i do it? it's simple..it's because I don't want to give up without giving it a try and i don't want to give up a battle without giving it a good fight,,it's all about taking risk..LOVE is a risk and it takes a very brave individual to take the love risk..


but it doesn't end there... i know how to fight but i also know WHEN TO STOP FIGHTING...


I STOP when i know that there is no longer a reason to hold on,i stop when i know that I'm the only one fighting,why?because in love..you can never fight alone..if you are fighting for that one person you love and he is not doing the same thing..then..hey!!wake up..and be kind to yourself..it's not worth the effort at all..you take risk,you get hurt and you suffer for NOTHING..it's not supposed to be that way..you are fighting because you know and feel that it's worth the try, but if you are presented with the truth that there is no more reason to fight or to hold on..there's only one thing left to do..and.that is to LET GO and to take one step forward to move on..


As i said, love is a risk, meaning you will never know if you will come up with a good ending or not..if you end up being with the person you love, then it's worth all the pain..but if not..i guess you can just give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being brave enough to take the risk and giving your fight a good fight..Sometimes getting hurt is also good, for it makes you a stronger and a better person in the end..


At the end of it all i guess no one can really define what LOVE is..for love is PERSONAL and SUBJECTIVE because we all want different things, nothing can provide what we're looking for in life. So love and life is a thing full of frustration on some unconscious level..

Someday,someone will come into your life,someone who will hold your hand and will NEVER LET IT GO - rye :)

FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN OUR HEARTS..

reposted: October 31, 2010

I just finished reading the note of my sister. I could not help but cry while reading her note. I felt the pain in her words and the hurts that she still has.Just like her, I still have the same amount of pain in my heart as I remember everything that happened.

Exactly the same date as last year, I was scheduled to go out with my friend jhem, just the usual, we'll have coffee and some chitchat.But for some reason I don't know..I didn't feel like going..I wanted to stay home and so unusual, I slept early.That night I just felt that I am sleeping but I am completely aware of what was happening.I was like half asleep.I know that my mom was still watching TV and all, then all of a sudden somebody from outside our house was shouting, i heard my mom open the windows and as she heard the news she was already in panic,she woke me up and in an instant I was on my feet rushing towards our door, but my mom was in panic and I told her to calm down so I could attend to my brother. I was running so fast, I saw a lot of people, I was looking for my brother, I saw someone brought in a vehicle, I checked, NO its not my brother..then I was in panic, I was shouting and screaming asking everyone where my brother was, and I saw him being carried in a vehicle, I was shocked, told the driver bring him to the hospital, I wasn't able to get in the same vehicle, I rode a jeepney, I begged him to go after the vehicle where my brother was..I was empty handed, I brought my brother in the hospital, I saw him..eyes half open, i told him not to close his eyes..I  had to ask for help, I had to call someone, I did't have money to make a call, I was desperate, again I begged for the guards to let me in the hospital and allow me to make a call..I called my Tita Josie and told her what happened..My sister came, and my dad too..they asked me to go home to look after mama..I didn't know what to do..Mom was asking a lot of things, i know that she knows what was happening..I kept on denying..told her everything is going to be ok..and as I utter those words..Inside I was breaking apart..I kept on praying..

November 1 came, mom and I were waiting for calls, for updates..then Tata went home..He said we will go to the hospital to see my brother..From that moment..I knew something was wrong.. I know the scene..It's familiar..I was holding back my tears..At that moment we arrived in the hospital, I felt so weak, I didn't want to see my brother on that bed..WE prayed..I prayed so hard to GOD..asking him to spare the life of my brother..I was begging for Him to answer my prayers..butNO, HE didn't LISTEN to me..HE took away my brother..

At this point in my life, I still have a lot of questions..specially to HIM.. I want to ask HIM why? Can't He see the pain that our family is going through? WE are hurting.. it's been a year and we are still hurting..

but then again..who am I to ask,who am I to question His will?..YES we are hurting..YES we are in pain..but at the end of it all, when we no longer know where to get hope and  we no longer know where to gain strength..IT's only HIM to whom we can turn to..

It's been a year since my brother Ron left us..a year of sadness, pains and hurts..But I know, Ron will never be at peace if he sees us unhappy with our lives, with the kind of personality that Ron has.. I know that he prefers to see us happy..

RON..it's been a year wali, we miss you so much..your ways, your face and everything about you.. I know that you are now in the arms of our Creator, I know that you are watching us from above..Ron, we will not and we will never forget you, for you are and will always be a part of our family..it will always be..

 TATA,MAMA,REN,RYE,RON,REV,RAM.We will always be TOGETHER..

We will always pray for you Ron, that you may be truly happy in the arms of our ALMIGHTY FATHER..and that you may get the JUSTICE that you truly deserve..

To everyone who has been a part of RON'S life, may you continue to remember him, may you never forget him, his charm, his face and his sweet little ways that has touched your lives..We ask you to continue praying for RON and for US, his family.

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS RON.WE LOVE YOU.

the silence of the night.

reposted: January 01, 2010

it will be less than an hour before the year ends..i hear people outside,chatting and cheering,they seem to be excited about the coming year..the fireworks are starting,the noise is starting to fill the surroundings,but here i am..infront of the computer,trying to waste my time over the net..making myself busy..trying to ignore the sounds that i hear..

it seems unbelievable that we are not really celebrating NEW YEAR..in our house,there's nothing but silence..nothing but sadness and emptiness..it's just like an ordinary day..another hurting day..

i can imagine how great this day could be if we were complete..we would go to church,we would be preparing our meals,we will be just like any other family,happy and excited about the coming year..


i used to be very excited about this event...but now am just hoping that this day will pass as quickly as possible..my heart is breaking as i remember the way we celebrate this day..am wondering if we will still be able to celebrate any event without hurting,without crying...


here i am again..writing a note..could anyone see the tears i am crying now?could anyone feel the emptiness am feeling now?can anyone see me hurting?can anyone feel my pain?tell me..

everyone is excited,my friends are happy,they are celebrating,i can feel their happiness,they send me greetings and all,,but i can't even give them a good greeting back..


tonight..i am saying..life is unfair..
how can others be happy and i can't
how can they laugh when i can't even smile
how can they celebrate when i am mourning..
tell me how?

as i hear the noise outside,the pain sinks in..
as i hear their laughters my tears would not stop from falling..
as i see the bright lights,the darkness of sadness overshadows me..

.NEW year... another heartbreaking event for us,another crying night..another reminder of how things used to be..

sad and empty.hurting and crying.where do i go from here..

a letter from me to you..

reposted: December 25, 2009

Ron..

it's Christmas today..i just want to let you know that it's really not the same without you..i remember last Christmas,our whole family went to the church together,we attended the mass and we went home to eat our noche buena..and do you remember?you used to grill the barbecue for us..but today..it's really different.during the Christmas eve..we just went to Lolo's house to eat with the rest of our relatives..tita lany went home from the states,she has a lot of pasalubong for us,clothes,shoes,perfumes and all...everyone was excited..we were excited too..but behind all the excitements, we felt the pain again..seeing our cousins around..it made us miss you more,,if you were there,am sure that you will be with them doing crazy stuffs together..i saw mama crying from afar..i know that she misses you so much..tata was hurting too..i saw him drinking with the rest of our cousins (the boys that you used to hang out with,mak2,kambal,meljan,anjo) and even if he's smiling,i can see from his eyes that he was deeply hurting..i can see him staring blankly from time to time..i can feel his sadness..we were not able to go to church in the evening..we went straight home,no noche buena,no barbecue,we didn't wait for Christmas to come.i did wait..i did to text mama and tata at exactly 12mn..that's how you do it right?i know mama misses your messages..and so i did it in behalf of you,,but i know i can never do it your way..i was just really trying to make mama and tata feel that you are still here with us..

CHristmas morning..
we prepared to attend the morning mass..we were preparing when i saw tata looking over the clothes that tita lany gave him..there was this brown shirt that he didn't want to wear because he wanted to give it to you..it's in your room.together with the perfume that you really like and a cap that tata gave..tig isa daw kayo dun sa cap na bigay..i went upstairs to get some clothes when i saw tata in your room, he was sitting on your bed looking at the cap that he was giving you..it breaks my heart to see tata hurting..he misses you so much..i could feel his longing for you..he never stops thinking and talking about you..

the whole family misses you RON, it's the first time that we spent christmas without you,it's really sad..the gifts,the money,they are nothing..they can never fill the space that you left..it's still not easy RON,living a life without you..it's impossible..

today it's Christmas..today is supposed to be a happy day..but to us..it is another reminder that you are not here with us..the pain never subsides..

i am writing this letter from me to you RON, to let you know that you are not forgotten on special days like this..you are a part of our family and forever you will be..you will always be with us.you will always be in our hearts...i know that you are watching us from above,i know you always do..we love you ron..help us to sail through this sea of sadness..merry christmas wali..


love..
ate rye

a sister's love

reposted: December 9,2009

a day before the 40 days of my brother ron, as i look back on the days that passed by, i just feel that the days are running so fast and yet the same amount of pain remains..it's unfair if i may say,how can the same amount of pain remain when the days are flying so fast?can't the pain pass as fast as the days go by?

trying to be ok everyday, trying to pretend that everything is going on so well, who am i cheating? everyday we are longing for him,everyday we miss him..trying to be strong for each other, we try as much as we can to go on and live each day as normal as we can..

sometimes, i feel like am ok, like am ready to go on and to finally let go of everything..but when the pain strikes again, i feel like am a little child, helpless and lost..For so long now, im holding back the tears, trying to conceal the pain that i feel, i always wanted to look strong infront of everyone, specially infront of my family,to mama and tata who i know, of all people are hurting the most..but just like everyone else,i have to admit that i am WEAK..i am in pain, i am hurting..it's never easy to pretend that everything is ok when you know deep in your heart that you are broken.

if i could only shout,if i could only say what this broken heart is feeling, i would...the pain of losing someone you love and knowing that no matter you do, you'll never be able to see that person again..it will kill you from inside..


Ron,
they say that after forty days, the soul of the departed one will finally leave, and now i wonder..will you miss us the way we miss you?will you also long for our presence?..Ron, ate's heart is broken, every now and then, i think of you, i miss you, up to now i wonder, what if the tragedy never happened? i would probably be spending much of my time with you,ill eat with you, talk to you, jam with you, or even drink with you.. i know it's useless to say all of these, because i know that i will never get the chance to do all of these..but if i only could.. believe me i would take that chance because i was never given the chance to spend time with you :( i miss you :(

it will be Forty days..
Forty days of sadness,pains and hurts..
or if i may say..it will be Forty days without you :(

we miss you ron and forever we will be missing you..
in our minds, and in our hearts forever you will be..
your memories,your ways..
we will forever treasure and remember...

iloveyouron :(

a sister's confession

reposted: written November 19,2009

im so used with having pains,used with all the dramas that this heart could give me,so used with the crying moments at night,so used with the hi-hello-iloveyou-goodbye cycle..am so used in being left alone,so used with the letting go,moving on phase..am so used with heartaches..

i always thought that i have endured the greatest pain that life could give,i always thought that heartaches/heartbreaks because of romance are the worst things that i could ever feel,i always thought that i was strong,that i can go on and move on after a pain comes along..but i was so wrong...NOW, i can say, that i am feeling the worst kind of heartbreak..

it's been how many days since my brother left us,leaving us so soon,we were left with broken hearts and with tears in our eyes,no one has ever thought that he would be leaving us this soon,now we feel so empty,we feel so alone,seems like everything is going nowhere,

questions are left unanswered,in my mind im asking,why him?why this soon?why in this way?why didn't HE gave us the chance to be with my brotheR longer?why??so many questions,and yet no answer..i want to get mad at HIM,i want to scream at HIM..why of all people,YOU chose my brother???he's young,he has a lot of dreams,he will be graduating!!he has a lot to offer,why him???

it hurts me so much,it pains me,it KILLS me..losing a brother is like losing a part of your body,without it,you are incomplete.and no matter what you do you will NEVER be complete.how can i move on with this kind of pain?how can i go on with this heartbreak?how can i be OK when i see my family hurting?tell me how??

i know this pain,it will be forever,it will never go,we will just get used to it..yes it is hard and never will it be easy for us to forget what happened,i may have a lot of questions now,but who am i to ask?who am i to blame HIM?He has his own plan and His will shall be done..i offer him my brother and together with this, i offer all the pains and the hurts that we have..

RON,you left us so soon,we miss you so much,if you could only see how the family is hurting because of what happened,we feel so incomplete without you,we miss your katamaran,your kasungitan,i miss our aways,i wish i was a better sister to you,now that you left us,ate feels so sad..it's hard to wake up everday knowing that i will never be able to see you nor talk to you ever again,i will always miss your cute smile,your machong lakad,your messy room,your kalat sa tabi ng TV..i will miss all of these..if ate could only trade what happened for a MILLION/billion/TRILLION romantic heartbreaks,i would gladly take it just to take you back,it's really painful,but don't worry beybe,we will take care of each other,HE is waiting for you up there,HE needs you,yes it's not easy to let you go,but we are letting you go now,we know you're happy now,help us to be better everyday,you take care,and look after us,ate misses you so much..iloveyou ;(