FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN OUR HEARTS..

reposted: October 31, 2010

I just finished reading the note of my sister. I could not help but cry while reading her note. I felt the pain in her words and the hurts that she still has.Just like her, I still have the same amount of pain in my heart as I remember everything that happened.

Exactly the same date as last year, I was scheduled to go out with my friend jhem, just the usual, we'll have coffee and some chitchat.But for some reason I don't know..I didn't feel like going..I wanted to stay home and so unusual, I slept early.That night I just felt that I am sleeping but I am completely aware of what was happening.I was like half asleep.I know that my mom was still watching TV and all, then all of a sudden somebody from outside our house was shouting, i heard my mom open the windows and as she heard the news she was already in panic,she woke me up and in an instant I was on my feet rushing towards our door, but my mom was in panic and I told her to calm down so I could attend to my brother. I was running so fast, I saw a lot of people, I was looking for my brother, I saw someone brought in a vehicle, I checked, NO its not my brother..then I was in panic, I was shouting and screaming asking everyone where my brother was, and I saw him being carried in a vehicle, I was shocked, told the driver bring him to the hospital, I wasn't able to get in the same vehicle, I rode a jeepney, I begged him to go after the vehicle where my brother was..I was empty handed, I brought my brother in the hospital, I saw him..eyes half open, i told him not to close his eyes..I  had to ask for help, I had to call someone, I did't have money to make a call, I was desperate, again I begged for the guards to let me in the hospital and allow me to make a call..I called my Tita Josie and told her what happened..My sister came, and my dad too..they asked me to go home to look after mama..I didn't know what to do..Mom was asking a lot of things, i know that she knows what was happening..I kept on denying..told her everything is going to be ok..and as I utter those words..Inside I was breaking apart..I kept on praying..

November 1 came, mom and I were waiting for calls, for updates..then Tata went home..He said we will go to the hospital to see my brother..From that moment..I knew something was wrong.. I know the scene..It's familiar..I was holding back my tears..At that moment we arrived in the hospital, I felt so weak, I didn't want to see my brother on that bed..WE prayed..I prayed so hard to GOD..asking him to spare the life of my brother..I was begging for Him to answer my prayers..butNO, HE didn't LISTEN to me..HE took away my brother..

At this point in my life, I still have a lot of questions..specially to HIM.. I want to ask HIM why? Can't He see the pain that our family is going through? WE are hurting.. it's been a year and we are still hurting..

but then again..who am I to ask,who am I to question His will?..YES we are hurting..YES we are in pain..but at the end of it all, when we no longer know where to get hope and  we no longer know where to gain strength..IT's only HIM to whom we can turn to..

It's been a year since my brother Ron left us..a year of sadness, pains and hurts..But I know, Ron will never be at peace if he sees us unhappy with our lives, with the kind of personality that Ron has.. I know that he prefers to see us happy..

RON..it's been a year wali, we miss you so much..your ways, your face and everything about you.. I know that you are now in the arms of our Creator, I know that you are watching us from above..Ron, we will not and we will never forget you, for you are and will always be a part of our family..it will always be..

 TATA,MAMA,REN,RYE,RON,REV,RAM.We will always be TOGETHER..

We will always pray for you Ron, that you may be truly happy in the arms of our ALMIGHTY FATHER..and that you may get the JUSTICE that you truly deserve..

To everyone who has been a part of RON'S life, may you continue to remember him, may you never forget him, his charm, his face and his sweet little ways that has touched your lives..We ask you to continue praying for RON and for US, his family.

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS RON.WE LOVE YOU.

to Ron..our angel..

reposted: May 15, 2010

RON..
today is your 19th birthday..happy birthday wali..this is supposed to be a happy day right?we should be celebrating,we should be happy..but then again..reality strikes..your birthday is just another reminder that you are no longer here with us..this is the first time Ron,the first time that you're not around on your birthday, and the saddest part..you will NEVER be here to celebrate it..it pains us,it kills us from inside that today is your day and yet you're not here with us.

Ron,we miss you..I miss you..everyday you are in my thoughts,everyday i am thinking of how things might have been if that tragic accident never happened..

Regrets Ron, i have a lot of these, knowing that i was not able to spend much time with you,it burdens me..there are times when i imagine things, i imagine that i am with you doing what other siblings of our age would do,going out,strolling at the mall,doing crazy stuff together,me meeting your gf and you meeting my bf..these things Ron..these simple things that i wished i could have done with you..it's ironic that i am thinking of these things now that you're no longer around,maybe it's true "nasa huli ang pagsisi"..because no matter what i do,these things..they will NEVER happen..and it hurts me again..

RON,on this day..i pray that you find happiness,,though i know you already found it..because you are now with our CREATOR..i hope you saw us go to church early this morning..we prayed for you Ron,and i hope you heard tata sing a birthday song for you..though you are no longer here with us, we never forget you..you are always remembered and never will be forgotten..i pray that justice will be given to you..

continue to watch us from above wali..
we miss you and we love you so much..
Happy Birthday..

she's a little bit of everything..and she's my kind of girl

reposted: May 9, 2010

For almost 22 years of my life, I've been into different situations, I've drenched myself into different emotions,happiness, sadness,bitterness..name it and i guess i had it..there are even times when i feel like giving up,knowing that things are going hopeless..

but during those times in my life,one very special person inspires me,a very special person who never fails to bring out the best in me..

she never ceases to fill my heart with love and gladness,she knows exactly what to say when im already running out of reasons to go on,she knows me like no one else does,she knows it when am trying to keep things from her,she reaches out in ways you'll never know,and no matter how hard i try to hide things from her, i still find myself confiding things to her, she never fails to amaze me,and am more than happy to have her in my life..

Mama..

it's mother's day!!and for a super wonder mom like you,i guess there's no other way to way to greet you but to let the whole world know how wonderful you are..we've been through a lot,and sometimes i wonder how we are able to go on despite of all the hurts and pains we have, sometimes it keeps me wondering how are we able to cope up?and then i have to close my eyes and realize that it's our love and understanding that keeps us together..and i guess that the best kind of love that keeps us together is the love that you and tata have for our family..it's your strength,YOUR LOVE and faith that holds us together..you are simply amazing ma,i may not always tell you how grateful i am for having you, but believe me, i am one of the luckiest person in the whole world,knowing that i have a mom as wonderful as you are..thank you for always being there,for listening to my stories,be it about my work,my kalokohan,my kaaways (and thank you for being my greatest kakampi) or even about my heart problems,thank you for understanding,and for loving me unconditionally..I guess not everyone has a mom like you..thank you for being a teacher,a bestfriend and a MOM..Now it doesn't make me wonder why tata loves you so much..there's nothing in this world that compares to you..I LOVE YOU..


my MAMA.. 

she's strong and yet she's weak
she smiles and yet she cries,
she's loud but she's quiet,
she's imperfect and yet she's perfect,
she listens and she understands,
she cares like no one else does,
and when it's comes to loving,
she never seems to fail..
SHE'S A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING..AND SHE'S MY KIND OF GIRL <3

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MAMA..
I LOVE YOU :)


I know Ron would be very happy to see us together knowing that we have each other and i know that if he was here, he would love to say happy mother's day to you and that he loves you as much as we do :)

- RYE

sweeter the second time around

reposted: February 03, 2010

it was in august last year when the result of the JUNE nursing board exam came out..excited and nervous just like anyone else,i wanted to know the result of my exam..when i found out that i passed,i could not explain the feeling right..it was emotional and it was truly a great feeling...greetings were pouring,everyone was happy for me...but then the feeling of happiness was suddenly overshadowed with sadness..knowing that some of my friends were not able to make it..it gave me a great amount of pain..i could not celebrate completely and i could not be happy as much as i can...

to make them feel better and to give them hope.that was my main concern..i know that they did their best and another try will not do any harm..

and so they tried again..as we were applying for our license,they were applying for their re-take exam...my friends,as i see them doing their best,i knew they will make it...

they reviewed together (and i was jealous because they were together most of the time..haha),they go to church,we attend masses and novenas together..i knew that more than anyone else,they were determined and they were wiling to give it all...

january 31 2010..

that night,I slept early...but i always have this habit of checking my phone in the middle of the night..and upon checking my phone,i got this message from my friend jack saying "congrats nastys,ako nlang"..being groggy...i didn't know what she was talking about..i asked her and to my surprise,she said my FRIENDS PASSED the boards..and i was more than happy to know that..i texted my friends,and talk about being happy...they were still awake @ 12AM!!!ahahaha...i was really happy for them..

MY FRIENDS,just like others,they may have failed the first time,but it didn't stop them from achieving their goal..and that is to become a REGISTERED NURSE..they did not take their failure as a hindrance,rather they took it as a challenge..they were not bitter about it because we know they can do better..i know they worked hard,but most of all, i know they PRAYED harder..all their efforts,perseverance and determination paid off..

NOW,they are REGISTERED NURSES..they gave their best shot and they deserve it..
as their friend..i am more than happy for them..now we can truly celebrate...


MY FRIENDS,my sister's,my NASTYS PLUS JM..
CONGRATULATIONS!! 
IM ssssooooooooo PROUD OF YOU GUYS!!!


TO GOD BE THE GLORY :)

way to go GIRLS!!!!

RN = REGISTERED NASTYS + JM <3

just like love..SUCCESS is SWEETER the second time around!! :)

MY THANKS.. :)

reposted: January 22, 2010

i will not celebrate my birthday,i am not even excited about it..i always say this..and i was serious about it..how can i be excited when i feel so incomplete,my bro is not around to greet me anymore at exactly 12..my b-day.. another reminder that he's not here (sobrang sad) and to add up to my misery, i just broke my heart a week ago when i discovered that for more than a year i was betrayed and fooled by someone whom i trusted so much..what an early surprise for my so called birthday :) xD

and so my birthday came..i said it was just an ordinary day..nothing to look forward to..nothing unusual.. but as i look back..i just feel that i am being unfair to myself..just today i realized how lucky i am for having my birthday and that i should be thankful for so many reasons..like..


-my tata and mama's early greeting..(hindi ko talaga alam kung greeting yun or ginigising niya ako eh..xd)
-my ate's gift (mascara!ah lko bihira lang yun..aha)
-the kisses of my little brothers rev and ram (i know ron would do the same thing)
-my lola's text message
-the messages of my friends on fb and on my phone ESPECIALLY to my,gradeskul friends,highskul friends. co oca nars..
-si tey na nagbigay ng txtmate sakin..xD
-si ella na napapasaya ako sa message nia
-si kring na 4 na beses ako gnreet
-c cynthia na talagang kinumpleto ang pangalan ko sa message nia..aha
-for finding one person who has the same birthday as mine.. (i consider it a blessing..it's not always that you find one person who has the same birthday as yours ryt?)
-kay kuya paul..para sa havs ko (keychain!susunod totoo na..xD )
-sa tawag ni tyabers at 12mn na napagising ako akala ko kung ano meron..haha
-sa text ni jaspher,dahil inantay talaga nia.. ;)
-jc's messages ;)
-ate angge's call
-jhem girl's text message..miss you girl
-sa coupe na binigay ni kong tuks!aha
-sa libreng manicure at pedicure by darang malou!(bait ng bhw namin :)
-my BABY LUI's greeting and edited photo she made for me..(super thanks)
-for DOC mike's promise!thank you!(ikaw talaga ang personal doctor ko!ahaha)
-for karl's sweetest messages(thanks boss)
-for PAULO's birthday greeting (infairness naalala nia..xD)
-for having one great BESTFRIEND..KATH..for the cheetos,for the call,for the food(spag and chicken!)i love you bes..
-for ja's surprise visit,snickers and wolverine :)
-for my wonderful nastys and jm..for the surprise you gave me..it's been how many months since we last seen each other...and seeing you on my birthday..it was simply amazing..
-to my friend who made me feel special during my birthday..i really did not want to go but for one reason,i know i needed to go.. for the the alambre works :),for the white rose that fell when he asked me to get something for him,for the nice conversation over that pizza and sola..for the songs he sang,and for that single long stem red rose that concluded it all..you don't really have to do it but still you did..Thank you..

my birthday,i was not excited about it,but i was HAPPY about it..because of the sadness that i have,i forgot to look on the brighter side of my life,i forgot to count my blessings,i took for granted the people around me..people who are always there for me,my family,my friends..i was unfair..unfair to them,,unfair to myself..i was unhappy because i never gave my self a chance to be happy..i could not let go..but now..i started to realize that there's more to life,we keep on holding on when the best thing to do is to let go..sadness is just one emotion..and there are a lot of emotions in this world..
INDEED HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE,AND I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.. 

because of you one ordinary day became an extraordinary day :) 
IT WAS TRULY A HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

the silence of the night.

reposted: January 01, 2010

it will be less than an hour before the year ends..i hear people outside,chatting and cheering,they seem to be excited about the coming year..the fireworks are starting,the noise is starting to fill the surroundings,but here i am..infront of the computer,trying to waste my time over the net..making myself busy..trying to ignore the sounds that i hear..

it seems unbelievable that we are not really celebrating NEW YEAR..in our house,there's nothing but silence..nothing but sadness and emptiness..it's just like an ordinary day..another hurting day..

i can imagine how great this day could be if we were complete..we would go to church,we would be preparing our meals,we will be just like any other family,happy and excited about the coming year..


i used to be very excited about this event...but now am just hoping that this day will pass as quickly as possible..my heart is breaking as i remember the way we celebrate this day..am wondering if we will still be able to celebrate any event without hurting,without crying...


here i am again..writing a note..could anyone see the tears i am crying now?could anyone feel the emptiness am feeling now?can anyone see me hurting?can anyone feel my pain?tell me..

everyone is excited,my friends are happy,they are celebrating,i can feel their happiness,they send me greetings and all,,but i can't even give them a good greeting back..


tonight..i am saying..life is unfair..
how can others be happy and i can't
how can they laugh when i can't even smile
how can they celebrate when i am mourning..
tell me how?

as i hear the noise outside,the pain sinks in..
as i hear their laughters my tears would not stop from falling..
as i see the bright lights,the darkness of sadness overshadows me..

.NEW year... another heartbreaking event for us,another crying night..another reminder of how things used to be..

sad and empty.hurting and crying.where do i go from here..

a letter from me to you..

reposted: December 25, 2009

Ron..

it's Christmas today..i just want to let you know that it's really not the same without you..i remember last Christmas,our whole family went to the church together,we attended the mass and we went home to eat our noche buena..and do you remember?you used to grill the barbecue for us..but today..it's really different.during the Christmas eve..we just went to Lolo's house to eat with the rest of our relatives..tita lany went home from the states,she has a lot of pasalubong for us,clothes,shoes,perfumes and all...everyone was excited..we were excited too..but behind all the excitements, we felt the pain again..seeing our cousins around..it made us miss you more,,if you were there,am sure that you will be with them doing crazy stuffs together..i saw mama crying from afar..i know that she misses you so much..tata was hurting too..i saw him drinking with the rest of our cousins (the boys that you used to hang out with,mak2,kambal,meljan,anjo) and even if he's smiling,i can see from his eyes that he was deeply hurting..i can see him staring blankly from time to time..i can feel his sadness..we were not able to go to church in the evening..we went straight home,no noche buena,no barbecue,we didn't wait for Christmas to come.i did wait..i did to text mama and tata at exactly 12mn..that's how you do it right?i know mama misses your messages..and so i did it in behalf of you,,but i know i can never do it your way..i was just really trying to make mama and tata feel that you are still here with us..

CHristmas morning..
we prepared to attend the morning mass..we were preparing when i saw tata looking over the clothes that tita lany gave him..there was this brown shirt that he didn't want to wear because he wanted to give it to you..it's in your room.together with the perfume that you really like and a cap that tata gave..tig isa daw kayo dun sa cap na bigay..i went upstairs to get some clothes when i saw tata in your room, he was sitting on your bed looking at the cap that he was giving you..it breaks my heart to see tata hurting..he misses you so much..i could feel his longing for you..he never stops thinking and talking about you..

the whole family misses you RON, it's the first time that we spent christmas without you,it's really sad..the gifts,the money,they are nothing..they can never fill the space that you left..it's still not easy RON,living a life without you..it's impossible..

today it's Christmas..today is supposed to be a happy day..but to us..it is another reminder that you are not here with us..the pain never subsides..

i am writing this letter from me to you RON, to let you know that you are not forgotten on special days like this..you are a part of our family and forever you will be..you will always be with us.you will always be in our hearts...i know that you are watching us from above,i know you always do..we love you ron..help us to sail through this sea of sadness..merry christmas wali..


love..
ate rye

a sister's love

reposted: December 9,2009

a day before the 40 days of my brother ron, as i look back on the days that passed by, i just feel that the days are running so fast and yet the same amount of pain remains..it's unfair if i may say,how can the same amount of pain remain when the days are flying so fast?can't the pain pass as fast as the days go by?

trying to be ok everyday, trying to pretend that everything is going on so well, who am i cheating? everyday we are longing for him,everyday we miss him..trying to be strong for each other, we try as much as we can to go on and live each day as normal as we can..

sometimes, i feel like am ok, like am ready to go on and to finally let go of everything..but when the pain strikes again, i feel like am a little child, helpless and lost..For so long now, im holding back the tears, trying to conceal the pain that i feel, i always wanted to look strong infront of everyone, specially infront of my family,to mama and tata who i know, of all people are hurting the most..but just like everyone else,i have to admit that i am WEAK..i am in pain, i am hurting..it's never easy to pretend that everything is ok when you know deep in your heart that you are broken.

if i could only shout,if i could only say what this broken heart is feeling, i would...the pain of losing someone you love and knowing that no matter you do, you'll never be able to see that person again..it will kill you from inside..


Ron,
they say that after forty days, the soul of the departed one will finally leave, and now i wonder..will you miss us the way we miss you?will you also long for our presence?..Ron, ate's heart is broken, every now and then, i think of you, i miss you, up to now i wonder, what if the tragedy never happened? i would probably be spending much of my time with you,ill eat with you, talk to you, jam with you, or even drink with you.. i know it's useless to say all of these, because i know that i will never get the chance to do all of these..but if i only could.. believe me i would take that chance because i was never given the chance to spend time with you :( i miss you :(

it will be Forty days..
Forty days of sadness,pains and hurts..
or if i may say..it will be Forty days without you :(

we miss you ron and forever we will be missing you..
in our minds, and in our hearts forever you will be..
your memories,your ways..
we will forever treasure and remember...

iloveyouron :(

a sister's confession

reposted: written November 19,2009

im so used with having pains,used with all the dramas that this heart could give me,so used with the crying moments at night,so used with the hi-hello-iloveyou-goodbye cycle..am so used in being left alone,so used with the letting go,moving on phase..am so used with heartaches..

i always thought that i have endured the greatest pain that life could give,i always thought that heartaches/heartbreaks because of romance are the worst things that i could ever feel,i always thought that i was strong,that i can go on and move on after a pain comes along..but i was so wrong...NOW, i can say, that i am feeling the worst kind of heartbreak..

it's been how many days since my brother left us,leaving us so soon,we were left with broken hearts and with tears in our eyes,no one has ever thought that he would be leaving us this soon,now we feel so empty,we feel so alone,seems like everything is going nowhere,

questions are left unanswered,in my mind im asking,why him?why this soon?why in this way?why didn't HE gave us the chance to be with my brotheR longer?why??so many questions,and yet no answer..i want to get mad at HIM,i want to scream at HIM..why of all people,YOU chose my brother???he's young,he has a lot of dreams,he will be graduating!!he has a lot to offer,why him???

it hurts me so much,it pains me,it KILLS me..losing a brother is like losing a part of your body,without it,you are incomplete.and no matter what you do you will NEVER be complete.how can i move on with this kind of pain?how can i go on with this heartbreak?how can i be OK when i see my family hurting?tell me how??

i know this pain,it will be forever,it will never go,we will just get used to it..yes it is hard and never will it be easy for us to forget what happened,i may have a lot of questions now,but who am i to ask?who am i to blame HIM?He has his own plan and His will shall be done..i offer him my brother and together with this, i offer all the pains and the hurts that we have..

RON,you left us so soon,we miss you so much,if you could only see how the family is hurting because of what happened,we feel so incomplete without you,we miss your katamaran,your kasungitan,i miss our aways,i wish i was a better sister to you,now that you left us,ate feels so sad..it's hard to wake up everday knowing that i will never be able to see you nor talk to you ever again,i will always miss your cute smile,your machong lakad,your messy room,your kalat sa tabi ng TV..i will miss all of these..if ate could only trade what happened for a MILLION/billion/TRILLION romantic heartbreaks,i would gladly take it just to take you back,it's really painful,but don't worry beybe,we will take care of each other,HE is waiting for you up there,HE needs you,yes it's not easy to let you go,but we are letting you go now,we know you're happy now,help us to be better everyday,you take care,and look after us,ate misses you so much..iloveyou ;(